C2C Tyne- A parody of 1970s slice of life style books.

Example (source: The book of Limes by Mary Smith)-

THE LIFE.

"Hello, my name is Mary Angela Lynn Lucy Smith an; I am an old charity worker of 61 yaar’s of Newcastle. I am a former waitress, factory worker an; operating retail shop. I noo working on the till to the local charity shop due to heavy hysterectomy I had 19 yaar’s agan.

Loved Newcastle an; it waas an idyllic retreat during my childhud, but the smoke an; moisture hurts, so I gave up my job in retail an; spent a yaar recovering from flue with my bother, Roderick, in Bolsover. I went sooth to Milton Keynes in 1977. I waas a waitress there until 1979, when I became a factory worker.

I show myself hernia an; acting ridiculous in a factory an; the deer doctor found a fibroid, a hernia an; an ovarian cyst at the beginning of 1995. It waas removed in mid-1996, but the wound is became infected an; I hernia again withoot showing the moment! Watching the light of the law of cause and meaning, will help you later in life, young and old, but the plant is funny and I cann’it see a hernia and will be hating learning it the hard way. I know where respect for the law and funny! I am less then separated. My life is soo, but he is noot stupid. I'm the same destructive Hick; It just takes my breath! I waas taken to hospital an; put on morphine, so I waas still sleeping an; very sleepy when I woke up. I had freetening nightmares aboot stray deegs bite me, began to haallucinate the room waas full of cats an; parasitic flies, lost a loot of body weight due to digestive problems, became nauseous, became very smelly, started sweating a loot, became very nearsighted and started ganing deafness, wearing sunglasses many because of photophobia an; went almost baald! So I naturaally became paranoid an; depressed! Aye, I waas like that for nine yaar’s an; it waas allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waas so awful to be like that an; I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again!

Oh, Hek; I thought every day; that less waaste category, the trashy, lower-class, pockmarked, scrawny, skin pealing peeling, and; praised lean peace Cumbria Skank delivered me my medication in the evening on my hospital five weeks of operational related illnesses. The nurse waas supposed in her mid 20s, waas skkiny, waas white and; had blond hair tied into two 'bunches' groups. The breath of Divvy waas always been Minging. I gave a hint of politeness here and; Bernie (as in Bernadette) throw an; tantrum an; shooted at me! She waas so rhud when she scoped that tantrum. It waas an unwanted crisis point. Haadaway she needed a good wesh and; a taak to hooswife about her cleaning her grubby clothes. Aye, I waas like that for nine yaar’s an; it waas allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waas so awful to be like that an; I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again!

Ecky-thump, man, she needed an urgent cleaning. Personally I would have pushed the head the first time up a sheeps ass, to make her drop all the 'sheep's breath' and; start the inhalation CB12. Nay, I would have shoved her head first in to the sheep dip, with the stinky old rams whilst inhaling a taker truck full of CB12! It waas so bad that I wanted someone could hoy the doilum on his work. Most people here scower down as she got near them! They must have the same problems as I did with the here. Most young nurses waas scum, unlike surgeons and; gynaecologists who were diamonds! Yes, again, again, the lame sister Holly! Coody and Maureen, Heike nurse, nurse Bernadette and nurse Holly, who waas a lame nurse. I hated everything as soon as possible, and too doo what I doo noot know too explain it, but it waas noot terrible, and I hate that too repeat the experience!

I usually went to the bog because of my extreme slackness of my bowels that caused me extreme hartburn and; acceleration of the runny pooie's movement, but the den waas always busy and; nurses do not notice what the other in the hallway privvy has not been fixed and; continued to leek on the ground of the cubical! I went too it a few hours for it’s usage, an the pavilion  waas often dirty and nurses must thoroughly clean the smelly old too woork. I waas oot of employment for two yaar’s because of the pain an; drug induced belief I waas a pig farmer with halitosis. I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again! I then tried a retail job, but bad hernia withoot any physical provocation. I waas not working between form 1997 to 2005 because of my body an; mind in ruins. My brain an; kidneys were rotted by drugs I waas on! Aye, I waas so scaired if spidders it waas allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waas so awful to be like that an; I nay recovered from it and became aracnaphobic between mid 1997 and mid 1999. I still have times when I am upset an; find them to freetening to touch.

Eeh by gum, I waas so screwd up back then! The big straw hat, sunglasses and photophobia were bad. Haardaway, This is the crisis point. I know I do not think I hate them! And I cann’it explain, but it waas scary, and I do noot want to repeat the experience. I hate everything as soon as possible, and to doo what I doo not know to explain it, but it waas noot terrible, and I hate that to repeat the experience, And I can't explain it, but I hate you all know, we do noot hate, I feel terrible, I can see that!

My bairns loved me and; came from Daventry every Sunda. Katie is 12, Angela is 18 and; Nina si 25. They are loyal to the bitter end! If the spare rod is ‘spired’, you spoil the child, when your 'eggs are hatched', I say, but I brought reet and; noo they are gentle and; kind bairns, not brats! My husband; got fed up with me in 1998 and; we amicably divorced. He waas a divvy and; a sloath.

I also had commuter Derby for two days each week for dialysis blood, clean-up of the cavity an; the anti-hernia treatment specialist. I waas in bed many as unprovoked hernia on a near daily basis. Finaally, a specialist in Nottingham abound sorted me an; I waas full of pockets an; firm in early 2004. Birmingham Hospital has added an extra pocket an; gave me a kidney transplant a month later an; I waas much better.

I continued medical non confidence an; sued Milton Keynes £95,000 an; spent £35,000 sued to gan to Carterton, near to Banbury, in early 2005.

I arrived in Carterton, near to Banbury, at the end of 2005 an; I gant my charity work an; began a new breet life!"